Thanks

      Hey everyone! Thanks for all the feedback you've been giving me! I've felt so encouraged by a lot of the things you've said. You've been helpful and understanding so I thank you for that.

      I put up a poll for you all to vote on. I'd like to see how you feel about people helping you. Personally I feel in between knowing people can help me and thinking they can't. Many times I feel I'm past help but then other times I receive help unexpectedly (like from some of you through your comments). Thanks to all of you who have helped me even without knowing it!

Suprised

      I'm surprised. I didn't ever expect to already get 14 followers shortly after starting my blog. Not only that, but to get so many comments from them. From you! Thank you for all your comments and for caring. It really does mean a lot to me! I don't know quite what to say in reply to each comment but know that I read them and they've got me thinking. I still haven't told anyone I know about what I've done though. I don't think I could tell someone I know personally about it. I haven't even told you the whole story of my past (some of my present too). I'm not sure if I ever will but I might.

      A lot of you have told me that God will never turn His back on me but I'm not so sure. Either he's just not making himself known to me or I'm not listening very good. But I can tell you one thing -I don't feel his presence, love, or help. I know what it feels like to have those so I know what I'm talking about when I say I don't feel them anymore. I'm not surprised about that though, if I was him I'd do the same after the way I've been treating him. He's God after all. Why would he want to talk or listen to me when I just keep playing in the mud puddle of sin? It's not worth the effort to try and get me out because I'll just jump right back in. I really don't know why I keep doing the things I do. They don't make me happy. They make me hate myself. What a two-faced hypocrite I am! I say I'm a christian to those around me but I live like the complete opposite when they're not around. They'd be so surprised and shocked if they ever found out the horrid truth about me. For their sake, I hope they never do.

Guilt

      I got a few comments on my last post and I thank all who commented for doing so. It was so kind of you to say the things you said. They were very nice. But to those of you who think I'm not really as bad as I make myself sound.......I'm worse. Much worse. Sure, I made some of the mistakes normal teenagers do, did some of the things normal teenagers do but I've also done some things that normal teenagers don't do. Like other teenagers have probably done I've kissed a boy, rebelled against my parents, dressed to get attention from others (particularly boys), been to bases (the "four f's") 1-3 and almost went to 4, lied to not get in trouble and got grounded anyway. Unlike other teenagers I've never smoked cigarettes, chewed tobacco, drank alcohol, or done drugs. Those are good things not to do and I've never wanted to do them. Most teens could blame the bad things they do on an affect of having done those things but I can't. I knew better. I've grown up in a Christian home after all, I shouldn't have a bad past haunting me like those who haven't grown up in my kind of home. I'm supposed to be a good example towards others but I'm not. I look like one on the outside but inside I'm not a good example at all. A good apple gone bad or maybe I was never a good apple and was always rotten. We're all born a sinner and even though I prayed to become "saved" when I was younger maybe it didn't really happen and I'm still lost. Or it could just be the emptiness I feel for walking away from God and instead living like the devil. I don't know. I don't think I ever will. And I don't think I'll ever get over and past this guilt from my sin. I've asked God for forgiveness over and over but I've never felt truly forgiven. Never felt the guilt go entirely away. Worst part yet, I've never really turned completely away from my sins or forsaken them. Oh I've cried and I've wept over my sins and I've called out to Jesus and told him I was so so so sorry but then I go and do the same thing over and over again all the while feeling guilty and wicked. I'm a wretch. A filthy, vile, wretch. I don't deserve to be still living. I wonder why I was even allowed to enter this world only to mess up so horribly. Even is some day I do eventually feel forgiven and turn away from sinning this way I don't think I'll ever be able to forget about everything. No, I don't think I will. The guilt and the bad memories of how I got it won't ever go away.

Why

      Since I have some followers now I thought I'd do a post why I started this blog. (By the way, thanks for following me!)

      The name of my blog is Secrets of a Teenage Girl. Of course it's because I'm a teenage girl and have secrets. Now, I'm using a pen name and am anonymous but everything I write on here is and will be the truth and not made up. I feel that if I keep my real identity unknown then I can honestly tell my secrets and not have to worry about ruining my reputation. Ha, I've already done a pretty good job of ruining it myself. Well, not everyone knows what I've done but I still feel it's ruined anyway. If everybody knew me and all about me I wouldn't have any friends and my family would wish I'd never been born. I wish I hadn't of been. I've been messing up my life since I was little and now it's a total wreck. I've been living two lives. I'm ruined. There's no hope for me anymore. God's walked away from me and I don't blame him. How could he love someone who turns their back on him and sins against him all the time? He can't. I've accepted that. I hardly have any friends because I'm afraid if I get too close to anybody that they'll find out about what I've done. My parents would have an heart attack if they knew. But I need to tell someone. Give a final cry for help why I still have the chance. Before it's too late.

     So that's why I started this blog.......

Secrets

      Hi, my pen name is Sophia. I'm a teenage girl. A teenage girl with secrets. Secrets of my own that I want to tell but know would cause chaos if I were to tell them. That's why I decided to start a blog. A blog where I could hide my real identity and tell my secrets and get help. I've made some stupid mistakes like anyone but don't know how to overcome them. I'm hoping that people won't judge me or look down  on me too much and will give me help and advice. I really need it.