Monday, February 4, 2013

Guilt

      I got a few comments on my last post and I thank all who commented for doing so. It was so kind of you to say the things you said. They were very nice. But to those of you who think I'm not really as bad as I make myself sound.......I'm worse. Much worse. Sure, I made some of the mistakes normal teenagers do, did some of the things normal teenagers do but I've also done some things that normal teenagers don't do. Like other teenagers have probably done I've kissed a boy, rebelled against my parents, dressed to get attention from others (particularly boys), been to bases (the "four f's") 1-3 and almost went to 4, lied to not get in trouble and got grounded anyway. Unlike other teenagers I've never smoked cigarettes, chewed tobacco, drank alcohol, or done drugs. Those are good things not to do and I've never wanted to do them. Most teens could blame the bad things they do on an affect of having done those things but I can't. I knew better. I've grown up in a Christian home after all, I shouldn't have a bad past haunting me like those who haven't grown up in my kind of home. I'm supposed to be a good example towards others but I'm not. I look like one on the outside but inside I'm not a good example at all. A good apple gone bad or maybe I was never a good apple and was always rotten. We're all born a sinner and even though I prayed to become "saved" when I was younger maybe it didn't really happen and I'm still lost. Or it could just be the emptiness I feel for walking away from God and instead living like the devil. I don't know. I don't think I ever will. And I don't think I'll ever get over and past this guilt from my sin. I've asked God for forgiveness over and over but I've never felt truly forgiven. Never felt the guilt go entirely away. Worst part yet, I've never really turned completely away from my sins or forsaken them. Oh I've cried and I've wept over my sins and I've called out to Jesus and told him I was so so so sorry but then I go and do the same thing over and over again all the while feeling guilty and wicked. I'm a wretch. A filthy, vile, wretch. I don't deserve to be still living. I wonder why I was even allowed to enter this world only to mess up so horribly. Even is some day I do eventually feel forgiven and turn away from sinning this way I don't think I'll ever be able to forget about everything. No, I don't think I will. The guilt and the bad memories of how I got it won't ever go away.

8 comments:

  1. Don't think you cannot be forgiven and start life with a clean slate, Sophia. True, whatever choices you've made that are making you feel guilty may not be "right" but if you are truly apologetic for them and don't want to slip into that pattern of behavior again, trust God's words. Whoever you feel comfortable talking with - parents, pastor, best friend - please do and remember that you can find healing in the promise of God's forgiveness. :)

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  2. It is hard when we have done something and we can't forget what we have done. Guilt is such a horrible feeling to experience. But sometimes even though we have asked for forgiveness from God, we too have to forgive ourselves (sometimes that is harder to do than we think). I've done things that I have told myself I would never do again, but I do them again and I end up hating myself for it. But I think we all learn from our mistakes- we aren't perfect and God understands. God doesn't care what we have done in the past- He will still love us no matter what. And once He forgives us He never reminds us about it again- so we too should try to forget the sins we have done. Sometimes we need His help to forgive ourselves and move on. I will be praying for you Sophia.

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  3. Like Rissi said, don't think you cannot be forgiven! You CAN start over! =)
    You said you don't know why you are here. Well sometimes I feel worthless too, but then I turn to God and even though I can't hear Him, I can still feel His love for me and it reminds me that I'm loved and I was put here for a reason! Don't listen with your ears; listen with your heart! Pray tonight and ask God for strength and if you work really hard to not do anything bad, you will see that He listened and helped you find the strength you needed to break free of the quilt that you feel! =)

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  4. Well we are here to hear you out and if needed give advice if you may need it!?? I would love to hear you out and listen/read your post and I will comment whatever may pop into my head! sounds good right.
    @ Rissi Amen

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  5. Dear girl, it looks like you have already taken the first step. You've asked God for forgiveness. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but know this: He already has forgiven you. It may not seem like at the time, but when you ask God for forgiveness for what you have done, and you are truly sorry - which I know you are - just remember that He has already taken your sins and thrown them as far as the east is from the west. However, that does not mean that we can still go and do whatever we want, just becuase we know God forgives us. But, by God's strength we can overcome sin.
    He has already forgiven you, and I believe that He wants you to find healing and true peace over your past. It might not happen overnight, but if you completely trust God, I know that He WILL help you.

    ~Molly~
    mollyslittlecorner.blogspot.com

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  6. Please Write- what did you do? cause I am really interested and I'm sure all your readers are. anyway you're anonymous and there'll be no problem to write OK? PLEASE -A

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  7. If you have asked forgiveness of Jesus, then you have no business worrying about whether or not you're forgiven. Trust me, I've experienced this kind of questioning and doubt COUNTLESS times. It's from satan. He wants you to be fearful and doubtful of your salvation. He wants you to question whether you're saved or not. Let me tell you something. If you have ever trusted in Jesus and given your life to Him, and truly meant it, you ARE saved!! Ignore satan's temptations to worry about your salvation. We have blessed ASSURANCE. And we were not created to be full of fear and doubt. It's hard to know sometimes the state of one's soul, if you let it be that way. But that's what faith is about. Trusting in God that He has forgiven you and saved you. Faith.

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If you have any advice or anything you'd like to say please leave a comment. Rude or inappropriate comments won't be published!

Thanks!
-Sophia

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